Big City Lows
“You have got to be fucking kidding me.” As we walked down, E 97th St. towards Central Park.
“Eric, it’s not that bad. You’ve had women falling all over you for a THOUSAND years. This won’t be that damn hard.”
I chuckled. “Of course it won’t be hard. It’s demeaning. I’m a king. That Harvard piss ant just handed me a permanent marker and told me that I needed to take to the streets like a drunken fraternity jock and beg strange women to write on me.”
“If you don’t think you can win…” He was pushing me.
“I don’t think I’ll lose, but I know why Russell and Bart said that they wouldn’t go. Notice I’m the only vampire involved, at all.”
Alcide started laughing. “You’re pissed that you promised Sookie you’d play along!”
“I’ve always known better than to make blanket promises.” I was more than pissed.
“It could be worse. We could have ended up with a donkey show or a bad trannie lap dancer.”
I was a little surprised. “How many stag parties have you been to?”
“Consider old high school, college, sports and pack buddies… mmmm… a few dozen. I’ve played this one before. The worst part is that it’s freezing. Even I’m cold.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Always a bridesmaid?”
His teeth clacked together. “Fuck you… and fuck this. I’m cheating.” All of a sudden, I felt warmth coming from Alcide and his hunkered down posture straightened as his body warmed itself. He hadn’t been making a habit of using any of the powers he’d gotten from Sookie but he was starting to appreciate their usefulness.
I rolled my eyes, surrendering to the promise I made to Sookie that I’d play along, knowing that I’d have the chance to get back at Josh’s best man ‘Chaz’ somehow. “What are the rules to this fucking game again?”
Alcide was pleased. He thought it was amusing that I would go along with this. “We have to take a picture of the girls signing us, to prove we aren’t doubling up. We can’t leave the park and go inside. The team with the least signatures has to sleep on the roof of the hotel. We have to meet the party back at the bar by 1 o’clock. Simple, as long as we don’t freeze in the next three hours.”
“This is fucking ridiculous. The object of a game is to win. That was a room full of ivy leaguers who’ve gone to great pains to elevate mediocrity. Stooges.”
Alcide laughed at me as we entered the park and the game began in more ways than one…
When we decided that we’d given it our best, and we discovered that Alcide’s hair was actually frozen together at the band in his hair, we went back to the bar in plenty of time to thaw out. We watched as the rest of the ‘men’ joined us. Most of them made shitty jibes at how Alcide and I were losers for being the first ones back. Most of these assholes could scare the cats out of a trailer park with their beer guts and flabby jowls; I’d have thought that a Yalie could afford a tread mill. Alcide and I were easily the best looking men there and they had the audacity to fucking mock us. Oh, fuck, I hadn’t wanted to kill a room full of people so bad in all my years. Chaz, of course, being the last of them. I’d like to see him shit his pants while he watched me lay his friends to waste. Josh, the groom, had the decency to be embarrassed by his college roomate’s behavior, so in my bloody musing, I spared only him.
The bar had been closed to the private party, so when the clock struck 1, Chaz called out the poor waitress who was to take on the unfortunate chore of counting the signatures. Two by two, as a pathetic homoerotic Noah’s Ark, each team went up to the apple faced server to stand and be inventoried. Some of the participants had handprints from women who were less than pleased with being hassled by a grotesque, bare-chested man at midnight in central park.
There were only two teams left when Alcide and I went to the front, both of us very satisfied with the progress we had made. The highest score so far that evening was 87, and I’m wholly convinced that they found a school for the blind to stand by.
We both grinned ear to ear as we pulled our shirts off and we watched the jaws of our competitors drop. Not only did Alcide and I have the first 6-packs they had seen all night (flabby fuckers), but our score was 309.
Alcide and I took cab the 3 short miles back to the hotel and went straight to the concierge before joining Sookie and Pam who were up to no good. The two of them had been having fun all night and my sense of fairness was torqued at the moment. The concierge laughingly told us that he had done just as we asked and graciously accepted his tip for his efforts.
Alcide and I laughed to ourselves, proud at our joint effort at revenge, as we got off the elevator on Chaz’s floor first. I knocked on his door and a HUGE man answered the door. Alcide and I shared a look, pleased that the concierge had done so well. The man was several inches taller than me and much wider. He dwarfed Dozer in muscle mass. He had, as instructed, covered the bed in rose petals and was wearing a tacky see through negligee and fishnets. I didn’t want to know how he found them in his size. His makeup looked like it was done at a clown college and he reeked of drug store perfume.
“Chaz?” His lisp was repellant enough to make RuPaul want to crawl back into the closet.
I snorted. “No, but you’re perfect for him.”
“You’re the jokester?” His lisp gone, surprising Alcide and I both.
“That’s us.” I handed him the camera. “The concierge has your money. You can get it when you give him the camera.”
“Cool, I have the same brand. It should be easy enough to figure out. Any special instructions?”
Alcide and I thought about that for a minute before Alcide grinned. “More lip stick.”
When Alcide and I returned to our suite at nearly 3 am, Pam and Sookie were in their underwear and heels, dancing close enough that Pam could have gotten her pregnant if I hadn’t already.
Sookie broke away from their kiss to turn and give me a come hither look. “Hey boys, did you have fun?”
Alcide cleared his throat. “You first. You get strippers?”
Sookie hid her blushing face in the bend of Pam’s neck and giggled. “Yeah. Pam and I won the scavenger hunt and then there were 4 strippers. 2 guys and 2 girls. They were hot.”
I looked at Alcide. “They went on a scavenger hunt. And they got strippers.”
Alcide laughed. “Wanna call down to the room and change the special instructions?” It was tempting to call and offer big money to have ‘Chaz’ corn holed by the giant in his room, but I didn’t want to deal with the authorities when it was all over.
Pam looked at us with narrowed eyes. “Something tells me that they didn’t enjoy themselves nearly as much as we did.”
“That’s a fair assessment.” I started to unbutton my shirt and Alcide followed suit. When we pulled them off, our girls stood there laughing at us.
Sookie was too amused. “What happened? Who wrote all over you?”
I closed my eyes trying to shake off the urge to commit unspeakable acts against random strangers to help bury the humiliation of the evening. “We were forced to play ‘tag and release’. Alcide and I were signed by 309 different women and then subjected to the ridicule of bottom feeding cocksocket blue bloods for being the first ones back to the bar.” Alcide was already over his grumpiness and was dancing with Pam. I poked my bottom lip out at Sookie. “Do you feel sorry enough for me to help me clean this shit off?”
She came over to me and hopped up to hug my waist with her legs. “I don’t know if I feel sorry for you, but definitely earned a stripper for your trouble.”
Things I learned in New York…
1) No one should ever make me hate keeping a promise to Sookie.
2) College students will sign anything for $20.
3) Sympathy sex from Sookie made everything worth it.